Lesbian Nuns (1 of ???): Silence.

All of these posts will be from the legendary Lesbian Nuns: Breaking Silence, edited by Rosemary Curb and Nancy Manahan (Naiad Press, 1985).

This post is from “What Silence Does This Book Break?” by Nancy Manahan (1966-1967 [=years in religious life]; xxxvi-xxxvii):

At the Maryknoll novitiate, I confessed my religious doubt to my postulant mistress, Sister Rita Anne. She suggested I talk to Johanna, an older postulant and an articulate convert to Catholicism. Johanna and I debated the creation story, original sin, indulgences, and papal infallibility. Perhaps I never saw the light because I didn’t want our meetings to end. I didn’t know I was in love with her. I only knew that the chapel vibrated when she walked in, and my stomach lurched when she knelt soundlessly behind me. I longed for her touch.

As assistant infirmarian, Johanna visited me when I was hospitalized for spastic colon and ulcer symptoms. In my misery, I held to the end of her long grey scapular for comfort. Even then, I was afraid that others would see us and KNOW. I knew that what I felt for her was wrong. Home from the hospital, I remember lying on my stomach after the Profound Silence bell, my pajama tops unbuttoned down the back, waiting for her. She came in silence, warmed the cream in her hands, and touched me. I hardly breathed through the whole backrub.

. . .