My one lawyer friend from Missouri was telling me about the security guard who runs the metal detector at the front of her building, this bigger (black) woman in her late 30s with heavy eye makeup and a cone of hair angling off to the left side of her head.
On my friend's birthday, she was going into work, and the security guard asked her how she was doing.
"Just okay," she was like. "It's my birthday today, and I don't like the thought of another birthday."
"Listen, girl," the guard was like, "You shouldn't complain. A lot of my friends from back in the neighborhood would love to have another birthday, but they can't have one, because they're dead."
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Shitty (white) neighborhood.
A few weekends ago (actually, on my birthday), I went to an Irish-American neighborhood with my one (white) friend from Mississippi, the Catalan, and a junior professor from the Spanish department.
The bars were shitty, full of (white) townies who stuck together from being raised together and weren't all that social.
Later, I texted a friend who had adjuncted in a school near there, and said I was disappointed by how clannish the bars were.
He texted back -
Clannish, or Klannish?
. . .
The bars were shitty, full of (white) townies who stuck together from being raised together and weren't all that social.
Later, I texted a friend who had adjuncted in a school near there, and said I was disappointed by how clannish the bars were.
He texted back -
Clannish, or Klannish?
. . .
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Photo shoot at my apt.!
My one lawyer friend from Missouri was going to a store near my house, so the other weekday (she had the week off; she switched jobs at her workplace, and had a couple weeks lagtime) she texted to see if I wanted to hang out or grab coffee or take a study break, if I was home.
I told her to bring her camera, for a photo shoot!
The city's alternative newspaper had a redesign a few months ago, and they started this new feature where they have people send in photos of weird shit in their apartment.
So, my one lawyer friend from Missouri took a photo of my coffee can collection, which is now up to 102 cans, and 80 of which I have stacked in one window to block the view of the neighbors.
Before she left, I heated up a bit of my cabbage-parsnip soup (with vinegar, in the Romanian style), so she could try a spoonful to see if she wanted to take some home... I had made up a *huge* pot (w 2 heads of cabbage!) just the previous night, and there was a ton of it.
So, when I lugged the huge stewpot out of the fridge and plopped it on the stove and opened up the lid to reveal a huge pot of cabbage soup, she just laughed and was like, "I should take a picture of that," and she said that was the most soup she had ever seen in her life.
I told her to bring her camera, for a photo shoot!
The city's alternative newspaper had a redesign a few months ago, and they started this new feature where they have people send in photos of weird shit in their apartment.
So, my one lawyer friend from Missouri took a photo of my coffee can collection, which is now up to 102 cans, and 80 of which I have stacked in one window to block the view of the neighbors.
Before she left, I heated up a bit of my cabbage-parsnip soup (with vinegar, in the Romanian style), so she could try a spoonful to see if she wanted to take some home... I had made up a *huge* pot (w 2 heads of cabbage!) just the previous night, and there was a ton of it.
So, when I lugged the huge stewpot out of the fridge and plopped it on the stove and opened up the lid to reveal a huge pot of cabbage soup, she just laughed and was like, "I should take a picture of that," and she said that was the most soup she had ever seen in her life.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Winebars!
The other weekend I was at a winebar with my one (light-skinned) (black) from Arkansas. It was this place with lots of glass and light wood and a huge display case of European-looking cheeses, and tons of couples there, with all the guys leaning in and putting their arms around the women's seats.
My friend wasn't sure what to order, so the wine guy was like, "Here, try this, it's rowdy on the nose," and pulled out a glass and poured it in and shoved it at her.
I started laughing so much it was all I could do to hold it in, and I flashed back to years ago going out to a winebar downtown with my one Dutch friend, and the short (Mexican) bartender saying some description like that, only having to do with trees and minerals and fruits, and my friend was like, "Eh, do you really believe what you say?", and at that the guy just darted his eyes to the side, grimaced sheepishly, and shrugged.
My friend wasn't sure what to order, so the wine guy was like, "Here, try this, it's rowdy on the nose," and pulled out a glass and poured it in and shoved it at her.
I started laughing so much it was all I could do to hold it in, and I flashed back to years ago going out to a winebar downtown with my one Dutch friend, and the short (Mexican) bartender saying some description like that, only having to do with trees and minerals and fruits, and my friend was like, "Eh, do you really believe what you say?", and at that the guy just darted his eyes to the side, grimaced sheepishly, and shrugged.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Called a woman a cunt before 7am.
So the other morning I called a woman a cunt before 7am.
It was Fri. and I was late getting out the door and had to get to campus for my Hebrew quiz, and when I get to the subway turnstile (not the main entrance; it's the one on the south end of the platform, where you can only use cards to get in), two younger (white) women get there ahead of me, so I file in line as they swipe in and walk through the turnstile (actually one of those doors that rotate).
As I go through, I'm trapped in the door.
I don't know what's happening at first - my card went through! - and then I realize one of them must not have paid, so I call out, "Hey, did you not pay for your fare!", and this one stops as she's going up the stairs and turns around, and it's this well-dressed mid-20s girl looking like she's on her commute to work.
"My card didn't work yesterday and it's not working again today," she was like.
"Well, you took my fare," I was like.
"But my card's not working," she was like.
"Well, what am I supposed to do?", I was like. "I'm trapped here."
At that moment a (black) guy stepped up from the opposite side and said he could take my card and swipe me in, but I ignored him.
"Well, you can swipe again," she was like.
"That'll cost me another fare," I was like. "I'll do that, if you'll give me the money for the fare I paid for you."
She said something affirmative but snotty, and so I went back out through the turnstile, swiped my card again, and came back through, and we started walking up the steps together.
"So do you have my $2.25?", I was like.
"Yeah, wait," she was like, using a really snotty tone of voice, and she pulled out $2 to give to me. "Here it is, if it's so important to you."
"Okay," I was like, "But what about the twenty-five?"
"I don't have that on me," she was like. "Isn't that two dollars enough?"
At that point we had gotten to the top of the stairs, so I was like, "Ok, I guess that's enough. Have a good morning - *CUNT*."
At that, her face just changed and she had this total look of disgust, and backed away in shock.
It was 6:58am.
I'm glad I didn't call her a bitch; I think she might have taken pride in that word.
It was Fri. and I was late getting out the door and had to get to campus for my Hebrew quiz, and when I get to the subway turnstile (not the main entrance; it's the one on the south end of the platform, where you can only use cards to get in), two younger (white) women get there ahead of me, so I file in line as they swipe in and walk through the turnstile (actually one of those doors that rotate).
As I go through, I'm trapped in the door.
I don't know what's happening at first - my card went through! - and then I realize one of them must not have paid, so I call out, "Hey, did you not pay for your fare!", and this one stops as she's going up the stairs and turns around, and it's this well-dressed mid-20s girl looking like she's on her commute to work.
"My card didn't work yesterday and it's not working again today," she was like.
"Well, you took my fare," I was like.
"But my card's not working," she was like.
"Well, what am I supposed to do?", I was like. "I'm trapped here."
At that moment a (black) guy stepped up from the opposite side and said he could take my card and swipe me in, but I ignored him.
"Well, you can swipe again," she was like.
"That'll cost me another fare," I was like. "I'll do that, if you'll give me the money for the fare I paid for you."
She said something affirmative but snotty, and so I went back out through the turnstile, swiped my card again, and came back through, and we started walking up the steps together.
"So do you have my $2.25?", I was like.
"Yeah, wait," she was like, using a really snotty tone of voice, and she pulled out $2 to give to me. "Here it is, if it's so important to you."
"Okay," I was like, "But what about the twenty-five?"
"I don't have that on me," she was like. "Isn't that two dollars enough?"
At that point we had gotten to the top of the stairs, so I was like, "Ok, I guess that's enough. Have a good morning - *CUNT*."
At that, her face just changed and she had this total look of disgust, and backed away in shock.
It was 6:58am.
I'm glad I didn't call her a bitch; I think she might have taken pride in that word.
Monday, January 23, 2012
odd dream.
I dreamt this the other night -
I was walking up a hill in sparsely wooded, late afternoon Michigan forest, and came upon a paved road. I was going to meet a professor who's on my committee and another student, since we were going to have a the first day of a private class together.
Just as I had passed over the road into a small adjoining half-circular meadow abutting the road, I saw 2 sun-bleached mountain lions padding by, going the opposite direction, and I went on to the forest on the opposite side.
At some point, I see 2 Bigfoots on the opposite side of the meadow, and they turn and look at me as they walk the opposite direction, and I don't know if I see them before or after the mountain lions.
In the forest there's a house, and I'm in there and I know that I have to wait there until the class starts, and I know the the prof and the other student will want to re-focus the class on the recent Bigfoot sightings, but that is a bad idea, and I shouldn't tell them about what I saw.
It's night, then, and there's a glass room at the end of the house, and I go there to practice double bass by the light of the moon. As I get ready to play, I see two smallish tyrannosaurus rexes creeping up the opposite hill in the moonlight, and I set down my bass quietly and creep away to hide.
I don't want to sleep on the ground floor for fear of the dinosaurs, and I go up the stairs very quietly, afraid they'll burst through the open windows, and then I pass up the 2nd floor for fear it's still too vulnerable, so I go to the 3rd floor and find an empty bedroom, and I take the two mattresses on the floor and stack them together over me so I'm safe from the dinosaurs, and any mountain lions that may attack, and I go to sleep realizing they might get on top of the mattresses, but they couldn't get to me.
In the morning I wake up and I go down to the first floor to the kitchen, and there's a girl there making breakfast, and it turns out she lived there and had chosen to spend the night on the 3rd floor as well for fear of the dinosaurs, and I remembered that there had been a door across the hall that was closed, and I realized that that was where she must have been sleeping.
I was suddenly swept with this fear that the house was evil, and I go up the stairs and my luggage (?) is scattered out the door and into the hallway by Satanic forces.
I pack up and go down the stairs, and in the entryway the ceiling tiles are dropping off from this heavy heavy moisture condensing through the ceiling, and I know that the house is really evil, and the sightings of all the animals are connected, and I see a vision of my professor and the other student looking at a big footprint in bare earth between some moss and ferns, and I know that they shouldn't be obsessed with that.
I go out the door and leave.
I was walking up a hill in sparsely wooded, late afternoon Michigan forest, and came upon a paved road. I was going to meet a professor who's on my committee and another student, since we were going to have a the first day of a private class together.
Just as I had passed over the road into a small adjoining half-circular meadow abutting the road, I saw 2 sun-bleached mountain lions padding by, going the opposite direction, and I went on to the forest on the opposite side.
At some point, I see 2 Bigfoots on the opposite side of the meadow, and they turn and look at me as they walk the opposite direction, and I don't know if I see them before or after the mountain lions.
In the forest there's a house, and I'm in there and I know that I have to wait there until the class starts, and I know the the prof and the other student will want to re-focus the class on the recent Bigfoot sightings, but that is a bad idea, and I shouldn't tell them about what I saw.
It's night, then, and there's a glass room at the end of the house, and I go there to practice double bass by the light of the moon. As I get ready to play, I see two smallish tyrannosaurus rexes creeping up the opposite hill in the moonlight, and I set down my bass quietly and creep away to hide.
I don't want to sleep on the ground floor for fear of the dinosaurs, and I go up the stairs very quietly, afraid they'll burst through the open windows, and then I pass up the 2nd floor for fear it's still too vulnerable, so I go to the 3rd floor and find an empty bedroom, and I take the two mattresses on the floor and stack them together over me so I'm safe from the dinosaurs, and any mountain lions that may attack, and I go to sleep realizing they might get on top of the mattresses, but they couldn't get to me.
In the morning I wake up and I go down to the first floor to the kitchen, and there's a girl there making breakfast, and it turns out she lived there and had chosen to spend the night on the 3rd floor as well for fear of the dinosaurs, and I remembered that there had been a door across the hall that was closed, and I realized that that was where she must have been sleeping.
I was suddenly swept with this fear that the house was evil, and I go up the stairs and my luggage (?) is scattered out the door and into the hallway by Satanic forces.
I pack up and go down the stairs, and in the entryway the ceiling tiles are dropping off from this heavy heavy moisture condensing through the ceiling, and I know that the house is really evil, and the sightings of all the animals are connected, and I see a vision of my professor and the other student looking at a big footprint in bare earth between some moss and ferns, and I know that they shouldn't be obsessed with that.
I go out the door and leave.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
3 bars (3 of 3): Sportsbar.
The last bar I went to was a sportsbar down the street, that had a big front glass garagedoor instead of windows.
I had a beer at the back to kill time before my friend came to meet me there and we'd head out somewhere else, and I could help stare at this enormously fat (white) girl with a t-shirt that said:
WOMEN WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED, BECAUSE NO MAN HAS A VIBRATING CHOCOLATE PENIS THAT EJACULATES MONEY.
And more than that, she was talking with a guy who had this t-shirt...! -
I SHAVED MY BALLS FOR THIS?
The girl caught me reading her t-shirt again, and she cracked up and struck up a conversation with me, and pointed out that everyone in their group was wearing tacky t-shirts - it was a tacky t-shirt birthday party! She said the birthday girl had one last year, and it was so much fun, everyone keeps their eyes out for mega-tacky t-shirts all year long now.
She then introduced me to the birthday girl, who had a shirt that said -
IF YOUR DICK WAS AS BIG AS YOUR MOUTH, THEN I'D GIVE YOU A CHANCE.
. . .
I had a beer at the back to kill time before my friend came to meet me there and we'd head out somewhere else, and I could help stare at this enormously fat (white) girl with a t-shirt that said:
WOMEN WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED, BECAUSE NO MAN HAS A VIBRATING CHOCOLATE PENIS THAT EJACULATES MONEY.
And more than that, she was talking with a guy who had this t-shirt...! -
I SHAVED MY BALLS FOR THIS?
The girl caught me reading her t-shirt again, and she cracked up and struck up a conversation with me, and pointed out that everyone in their group was wearing tacky t-shirts - it was a tacky t-shirt birthday party! She said the birthday girl had one last year, and it was so much fun, everyone keeps their eyes out for mega-tacky t-shirts all year long now.
She then introduced me to the birthday girl, who had a shirt that said -
IF YOUR DICK WAS AS BIG AS YOUR MOUTH, THEN I'D GIVE YOU A CHANCE.
. . .
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