...but only when I'm hammered!:
1) I came home hammered like last weekend and turned on my soft-lit IKEA upright floor lamp with delicate crepe in an attractive and modern geometric design, and this huge fucking silverfish was just sitting on the wainscotting right there, so I smashed it with my house sandal.
2)I came home hammered like Wednesday and turned on my soft-lit IKEA upright floor lamp with delicate crepe in an attractive and modern geometric design, and then went to brush my teeth and take a shower, though not floss since I never do that when I'm hammered, and when I came back out into the room, this huge fucking silverfish was just sitting right next to the lamp, so I smashed it with my house sandal.
3) I came home hammered last night and turned on my soft-lit IKEA upright floor lamp with delicate crepe in an attractive and modern geometric design, and as I walked to the bathroom to take a piss, I saw something skitter under the nearby coffee table, and as I strode across my lovely natural fiber with dark brown edging IKEA floor mat, the same skittering thing, which had darted under my early 50s soft gold low Danish armchair, darted out from there onto the floor mat, and it turned out to be this huge fucking silverfish, so I smashed it with my house sandal as it skittered.
In each case, the silverfish was so meaty that huge portions of it filled the traction cracks all the way in on the bottom of my sandal. With that last one, too, I was worried its body would get ground down into my mat and stain it, but luckily it didn't.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Got hammered with a yooper last night.
So, last night I got decently hammered with my one neighbor who's in the neighborhood for the summer for an engineering internship and has this really really Swedish name ("Lars") and comes from a big Swedish family in the eastern U.P., despite the fact that he's shorter than I am, has brown hair and a slightly upturned nose, and is built kind of slim and runty, which I always found weird with his name, since he's the least Swedish-looking person I've ever met - it seemed like his parents were way into ethnic recovery or something, which I always find kind of sad for some reason, since it's grasping after your last name after already everything but the name is gone from it.
Anyhow, me and him and my one hippie friend were drinking, and after my hippie friend got tired and left, we were drinking more, and somehow Lars started talking about how he's always been a little suspicious of religion since it all seems odd to him when you step back and take a look at it, and that it wasn't until 3rd grade back when he was in the U.P. that he realized that his family was strange and that not everyone else's family went out into the woods three times a year and did pagan rituals.
As it turns out, his grandfather was this high-level Swedish Mason who bought a huge track of land in the U.P, and the whole family moved there and they just kind of kept doing this Swedish clan religion that they said has been passed down in their family, like making their own mead and this kind of fermented berry liqueur, and during the summer they all go out to the woods and read some of the eddas out loud and find a really nice birch tree and smear the mead and liqueur on it, and then they all go home, and he said if you press any of his family members when they're drunk and occasionally when they're not, they all start bitching about Christianity and how it stole everything from paganism, like Christmas, for one thing, though they can deal with all their neighbors being Christians as long as they leave them alone.
He also said his family puts a huge premium on the family, and honor, and they have these scrolls and books keeping their paternal ancestry going back to like the 13th century, and like one family member from that line keeps it in each generation. He also said he's kind of fucked, since he's the eldest son, but he took after his mom's mom who was this short half Welsh, half French lady, and though his dad and his cousin are all these huge blonde Swedish dudes who got football scholarships to Michigan State, everyone kind of wrote him off when he hit puberty and didn't really get a growth spurt, and it's a sore spot in the family, that and how he's into playing in bands and shit... He also said that at family functions he used to get really treated well because of his being the eldest son, as well as being born on Yule, but that really doesn't happen anymore.
He also said he distrusts anyone who's too sure about religion, like some of his cousins who became Christian and are now just anti-pagan fanatics, he added at the end. He said the pagan thing is a different ethos, more about family and honor than about morality and sacrifice, though you still have the same thing as always where some people in the family are into it and the ideas, and others just kind of go through the motions and gossip and are bitchy and don't let it affect their lives, and that in any case he really gets pissed off at neo-pagans since they just kind of invented shit off of books, and that that shit isn't real, and even more than that, he gets pissed off when everyone says "Thor" with a "th" rather than starting the word off like you're saying "Thomas", since that's the way it's actually said.
(We were kind of drunk.)
He also added that at his engineering internship he coddles favor with this one boss of his who's in his late 20s and was in the military by responding to all of his requests with short, one word answers of unthinking obedience, like, "Yes sir, definitely!", and though everyone else has a hard time getting along with this guy, he gets along well, though the guy doesn't realize that Lars is just trying to respond to him as any subordinate in the military would.
Anyhow, me and him and my one hippie friend were drinking, and after my hippie friend got tired and left, we were drinking more, and somehow Lars started talking about how he's always been a little suspicious of religion since it all seems odd to him when you step back and take a look at it, and that it wasn't until 3rd grade back when he was in the U.P. that he realized that his family was strange and that not everyone else's family went out into the woods three times a year and did pagan rituals.
As it turns out, his grandfather was this high-level Swedish Mason who bought a huge track of land in the U.P, and the whole family moved there and they just kind of kept doing this Swedish clan religion that they said has been passed down in their family, like making their own mead and this kind of fermented berry liqueur, and during the summer they all go out to the woods and read some of the eddas out loud and find a really nice birch tree and smear the mead and liqueur on it, and then they all go home, and he said if you press any of his family members when they're drunk and occasionally when they're not, they all start bitching about Christianity and how it stole everything from paganism, like Christmas, for one thing, though they can deal with all their neighbors being Christians as long as they leave them alone.
He also said his family puts a huge premium on the family, and honor, and they have these scrolls and books keeping their paternal ancestry going back to like the 13th century, and like one family member from that line keeps it in each generation. He also said he's kind of fucked, since he's the eldest son, but he took after his mom's mom who was this short half Welsh, half French lady, and though his dad and his cousin are all these huge blonde Swedish dudes who got football scholarships to Michigan State, everyone kind of wrote him off when he hit puberty and didn't really get a growth spurt, and it's a sore spot in the family, that and how he's into playing in bands and shit... He also said that at family functions he used to get really treated well because of his being the eldest son, as well as being born on Yule, but that really doesn't happen anymore.
He also said he distrusts anyone who's too sure about religion, like some of his cousins who became Christian and are now just anti-pagan fanatics, he added at the end. He said the pagan thing is a different ethos, more about family and honor than about morality and sacrifice, though you still have the same thing as always where some people in the family are into it and the ideas, and others just kind of go through the motions and gossip and are bitchy and don't let it affect their lives, and that in any case he really gets pissed off at neo-pagans since they just kind of invented shit off of books, and that that shit isn't real, and even more than that, he gets pissed off when everyone says "Thor" with a "th" rather than starting the word off like you're saying "Thomas", since that's the way it's actually said.
(We were kind of drunk.)
He also added that at his engineering internship he coddles favor with this one boss of his who's in his late 20s and was in the military by responding to all of his requests with short, one word answers of unthinking obedience, like, "Yes sir, definitely!", and though everyone else has a hard time getting along with this guy, he gets along well, though the guy doesn't realize that Lars is just trying to respond to him as any subordinate in the military would.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Fascinating custom.
Albanian tribal law preserves a lot of interesting customs. I think some of that stuff with the worth of human lives being so-and-so many cattle has equivalents in ancient Indo-European cultures; Albania is notorious for having all these cultural parallels to shit that died off in other Indo-European groups aeons ago.
Lionel Richie concert.
It was incredibly easy to sneak into the Lionel Richie concert while posing as a Human Resources personnel guy. I had on my polo shirt, and walked into the big convention center hall in the midst of a crowd. There was this 90-year old white woman at the door who worked for the convention center and she was asking everyone to raise up their arms and be like "Wooh!" for Lionel Richie, so she could see their yellow armbands, so I did that along with everyone else, only I held my book I took with me over my wrist, and she never saw, and I just walked right in.
In the convention center itself, the seats towards the front were filled more with black conventioneers, and the seats towards the back were more white, and there were a lot more women there overall than men. I sat down in front of some black women who were already dancing and yelling the responses to Tina Turner's "Proud Mary" playing over the loudspeaker to get the crowed pumped up, and they told me I was going to go deaf.
"You better watch out too," I was like, "because before you know it you and me are going to be up there dancing on the ceiling," I said to one, who gave me a look and laughed.
Later, another black lady sat down beside me next to her friends, and she started telling me about how "White Nights" was the first movie she ever went to go see without an adult, and she's been fond of Lionel Richie ever since. She also told me how she grew up in inner city Denver and had put on ten pounds just at this conference from eating so much at T.G.I. Friday's, and she was saying how one summer when she worked at a correctional facility she also worked part-time hauling wood, and it toned her calves without her knowing it, to the point where one day she wore a short skirt into the office and her boss was like, "Watch your dress, please, Ms. [her last name], those boys can't handle it," and she told him, "Bullshit, Mr. [his last name], don't be saying that, you know you the one who can't handle it," only later that day she looked in the mirror and realized that without noticing it, somehow she had gotten legs to die for.
The concert itself was solid, and I loved how all these fifty-year old black women went nuts and danced their heads off to Lionel doing his old Commodores number "Brick House".
In the convention center itself, the seats towards the front were filled more with black conventioneers, and the seats towards the back were more white, and there were a lot more women there overall than men. I sat down in front of some black women who were already dancing and yelling the responses to Tina Turner's "Proud Mary" playing over the loudspeaker to get the crowed pumped up, and they told me I was going to go deaf.
"You better watch out too," I was like, "because before you know it you and me are going to be up there dancing on the ceiling," I said to one, who gave me a look and laughed.
Later, another black lady sat down beside me next to her friends, and she started telling me about how "White Nights" was the first movie she ever went to go see without an adult, and she's been fond of Lionel Richie ever since. She also told me how she grew up in inner city Denver and had put on ten pounds just at this conference from eating so much at T.G.I. Friday's, and she was saying how one summer when she worked at a correctional facility she also worked part-time hauling wood, and it toned her calves without her knowing it, to the point where one day she wore a short skirt into the office and her boss was like, "Watch your dress, please, Ms. [her last name], those boys can't handle it," and she told him, "Bullshit, Mr. [his last name], don't be saying that, you know you the one who can't handle it," only later that day she looked in the mirror and realized that without noticing it, somehow she had gotten legs to die for.
The concert itself was solid, and I loved how all these fifty-year old black women went nuts and danced their heads off to Lionel doing his old Commodores number "Brick House".
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
German sex stories.
So, a few weeks ago I went drinking with my one Dutch friend and his one German friend, who's very awesome.
(When we were at the BoBo festival, she looked around and was like, "How can all of these people be so cool, if they have small dogs and children?")
Anyhow, she is very German when it comes to her sex life - she has an open marriage with her husband who lives in Berlin, and so she's been fucking undergrads who were in her classes, and she was telling me that back when she was a high school exchange student in Iowa, she and her host-sister used to go to barn parties and have a few beers and then slip out to the haystacks to get done in them by the farmhands.
She was also telling me about her one Serbian gay friend who's at Princeton, and how he haunts the pool showers at the gym there since all the athletes like cock on the side.
She was also telling me about the funniest thing in her life was for the 2000 New Year's she and some of her friends rented a cabin in this one sleepy German village, and like the second day there her one gay friend said he was kind of feeling bad, so he'd stay in while everyone went out hiking, and when everyone came back from hiking, all the towels and sheets were washed, and then later that night when him and her were drinking he said he'd gotten crabs from sitting on plush velvet couches at this sex party at a Berlin nightclub, and how that morning after they all left he had to go to the village doctor to get treated, and the guy wanted to know where he got them from, since he was worried that he had somehow gotten crabs in the village, so he had to assure the doctor and be like, "No, I got them from the plush velvet couches at a gay sex party in Berlin."
After all that, she went back to telling me about how she does undergrads, and was saying how the one artsy student she fucks is getting sweet on her, and wanted her to meet his parents at graduation. And she said she's a bit pissed at her husband since he's been questioning their open marriage arrangement, which she thinks he's doing because he hasn't been getting any.
After all of that still, and she had gone, my one Dutch friend says he has this feeling that she likes drinking with him in general, but that she also likes to drink with him so she can get him drunk enough to bed him.
(When we were at the BoBo festival, she looked around and was like, "How can all of these people be so cool, if they have small dogs and children?")
Anyhow, she is very German when it comes to her sex life - she has an open marriage with her husband who lives in Berlin, and so she's been fucking undergrads who were in her classes, and she was telling me that back when she was a high school exchange student in Iowa, she and her host-sister used to go to barn parties and have a few beers and then slip out to the haystacks to get done in them by the farmhands.
She was also telling me about her one Serbian gay friend who's at Princeton, and how he haunts the pool showers at the gym there since all the athletes like cock on the side.
She was also telling me about the funniest thing in her life was for the 2000 New Year's she and some of her friends rented a cabin in this one sleepy German village, and like the second day there her one gay friend said he was kind of feeling bad, so he'd stay in while everyone went out hiking, and when everyone came back from hiking, all the towels and sheets were washed, and then later that night when him and her were drinking he said he'd gotten crabs from sitting on plush velvet couches at this sex party at a Berlin nightclub, and how that morning after they all left he had to go to the village doctor to get treated, and the guy wanted to know where he got them from, since he was worried that he had somehow gotten crabs in the village, so he had to assure the doctor and be like, "No, I got them from the plush velvet couches at a gay sex party in Berlin."
After all that, she went back to telling me about how she does undergrads, and was saying how the one artsy student she fucks is getting sweet on her, and wanted her to meet his parents at graduation. And she said she's a bit pissed at her husband since he's been questioning their open marriage arrangement, which she thinks he's doing because he hasn't been getting any.
After all of that still, and she had gone, my one Dutch friend says he has this feeling that she likes drinking with him in general, but that she also likes to drink with him so she can get him drunk enough to bed him.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Yesterday - Yesterday - Today
Yesterday morning at a coffee shop there was this older woman in her early 40s discussing her dissertation chapters very loudly with two of her similar-aged friends while her young son sullenly read a book at the next table, and she talked a lot about theory, and once said something that was like, "...the creation of colonial space-time..."
Yesterday evening I went to a drag show with a friend, and the whole thing was kind of joyless and perfunctory, as if everyone was just going through the motions. Like I told my friend after the show, so many pieces lacked creative energy, since you could pretty much expect everything in the performance from the song and knowing what kind of shit drag queens go in for. The show felt over-long, and even every time this one fabled younger drag queen came on, we'd roll our eyes since we both thought she was kind of a talentless hack, but then towards the end of the show all of a sudden these giant organ chords rang out, and at the side of the audience a wedding party led by a cupid started slowly slowly marching towards the softly lit stage, and as the song slowly became distinct as a majestic instrumental arrangement of the opening to ABBA's "Dancing Queen" apropos for a wedding, the shirtless cupid who led the party dashed ahead and danced ballet on stage for a bit before dashing off just as the wedding party ascended the steps to the stage and the bride remained on the left facing the audience as the rest of the party processed to the right, and as she stood there, somehow the song changed to the standard version of Alicia Keys's "No One" that everyone knows, and instead of doing all this froofy and out-of-control drag queen shit, she just stood there pretty much the whole time holding her bouquet and she lip-synched very genuinely to the song.
I think what I found very affecting is that the drag queen was really tall and had these huge shoulders, so in the way that drag queen's are over-the-top femininity, that quality synched up with the oversize stature of a bride at her wedding, and this was underscored by how much shorter everyone else was in the wedding party.
Also, it was cool since the groom was always facing away from her, so she would always stand facing towards him saying how they'd always be together, and sometimes the bridesmaids would come and straighten out her dress or something like in wedding preparations and she would nod and smile at them while she kept lip-synching the song.
The whole song, too, really works in a wedding setting, with its idea of "I'll always love, nothing will tear us apart," and that last sentiment was even made stronger, because when the bride sang that part of the bridge where it goes
people will try
try to divide
something so real
the verse took on this whole quality of the couple having overcome adversity through her sheer willpower and now she was solemnizing their bond forever, and they'd make it.
After that, though, the groom progressed forward and they danced, and the spell was broken for the song, saddly.
Interestingly, later when we looked at the program, we found out that the singer was actually the drag queen we thought was a hack, and that made me think twice from doing a jerk-off motion the next time I hear someone talk about the transformative power of drag and the creation of identity through performance. Somehow, without her knowing how she did it, that bride got stage presence and worked the heck out of it. But, miracles do happen, and if I ever went to go see this particular drag queen again, I think it would fuck up my memories of this happy coincidence.
On another note, I am going down to the local convention center tonight to try to sneak into a free Lionel Richie concert that's part of a human resources conference. Wish me luck. I will be wearing a polo shirt and trying my best like someone who does human resources -- which I'm not sure is drag or prostitution.
Yesterday evening I went to a drag show with a friend, and the whole thing was kind of joyless and perfunctory, as if everyone was just going through the motions. Like I told my friend after the show, so many pieces lacked creative energy, since you could pretty much expect everything in the performance from the song and knowing what kind of shit drag queens go in for. The show felt over-long, and even every time this one fabled younger drag queen came on, we'd roll our eyes since we both thought she was kind of a talentless hack, but then towards the end of the show all of a sudden these giant organ chords rang out, and at the side of the audience a wedding party led by a cupid started slowly slowly marching towards the softly lit stage, and as the song slowly became distinct as a majestic instrumental arrangement of the opening to ABBA's "Dancing Queen" apropos for a wedding, the shirtless cupid who led the party dashed ahead and danced ballet on stage for a bit before dashing off just as the wedding party ascended the steps to the stage and the bride remained on the left facing the audience as the rest of the party processed to the right, and as she stood there, somehow the song changed to the standard version of Alicia Keys's "No One" that everyone knows, and instead of doing all this froofy and out-of-control drag queen shit, she just stood there pretty much the whole time holding her bouquet and she lip-synched very genuinely to the song.
I think what I found very affecting is that the drag queen was really tall and had these huge shoulders, so in the way that drag queen's are over-the-top femininity, that quality synched up with the oversize stature of a bride at her wedding, and this was underscored by how much shorter everyone else was in the wedding party.
Also, it was cool since the groom was always facing away from her, so she would always stand facing towards him saying how they'd always be together, and sometimes the bridesmaids would come and straighten out her dress or something like in wedding preparations and she would nod and smile at them while she kept lip-synching the song.
The whole song, too, really works in a wedding setting, with its idea of "I'll always love, nothing will tear us apart," and that last sentiment was even made stronger, because when the bride sang that part of the bridge where it goes
people will try
try to divide
something so real
the verse took on this whole quality of the couple having overcome adversity through her sheer willpower and now she was solemnizing their bond forever, and they'd make it.
After that, though, the groom progressed forward and they danced, and the spell was broken for the song, saddly.
Interestingly, later when we looked at the program, we found out that the singer was actually the drag queen we thought was a hack, and that made me think twice from doing a jerk-off motion the next time I hear someone talk about the transformative power of drag and the creation of identity through performance. Somehow, without her knowing how she did it, that bride got stage presence and worked the heck out of it. But, miracles do happen, and if I ever went to go see this particular drag queen again, I think it would fuck up my memories of this happy coincidence.
On another note, I am going down to the local convention center tonight to try to sneak into a free Lionel Richie concert that's part of a human resources conference. Wish me luck. I will be wearing a polo shirt and trying my best like someone who does human resources -- which I'm not sure is drag or prostitution.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Video / Button.
Enur's "Calabria" is a song I've been hearing everywhere these past few months, and a lot of times at bars or lounges with flatscreens they play the video, though a lot of its raunchiness gets lost if you're seeing it from afar. I think the sax and the "woop woop" part make the song, and the instrumentation with the sax line is just a little bit unexpected, almost like the instrumentation in Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie". Interestingly, on YouTube the Enur video has gotten over 1.6 million plays.
On another note, my dad has put his Obama button on his work baseball cap that he wears to jobsites, and it already has a fine coating of sawdust on it, so it really looks like the workingman's Obama button. My mother says she's not going to start wearing hers till it's closer to the election, saddly, and even then she won't be wearing it to work.
On another note, my dad has put his Obama button on his work baseball cap that he wears to jobsites, and it already has a fine coating of sawdust on it, so it really looks like the workingman's Obama button. My mother says she's not going to start wearing hers till it's closer to the election, saddly, and even then she won't be wearing it to work.
"Hello"s / Dutch humor (2) / Toilet humor (2).
1) Today on the way walking back from a coffee shop I walked by some white work guys smoking outside a garage. No one said hi even though we didn't know each other, like black people would do.
2a) The other week when I went to go drink with my one Dutch friend and his one German friend, I arrived just when they were finishing eating some macaroni and cheese out of the box. "Want some salad?", my one Dutch friend asked, and shook out at me a vitamin out of the bottle.
2b) There's this one club downtown that's notorious for attracting freaks in general, as well as whoever else is out till 4am. "It's the only place someone standing behind me complimented me on my eyes," my one Dutch friend said about the one time he'd been there. "And I corrected them, that they meant 'ass'."
3a) The other day when I dropped by my one friend from high school's house, I let a really loud fart rip right before going in the door with her. "That was juicy," she was like, "Now go wipe it off your ass!"
3b) Later that same other day, I brought up how I always thought it was funny that those Doritos with olestra had warnings saying they could cause 'anal leakage', and my friend was like, "I've always like in commercials where they say as a side effect you can get 'gas with leaky discharge'."
2a) The other week when I went to go drink with my one Dutch friend and his one German friend, I arrived just when they were finishing eating some macaroni and cheese out of the box. "Want some salad?", my one Dutch friend asked, and shook out at me a vitamin out of the bottle.
2b) There's this one club downtown that's notorious for attracting freaks in general, as well as whoever else is out till 4am. "It's the only place someone standing behind me complimented me on my eyes," my one Dutch friend said about the one time he'd been there. "And I corrected them, that they meant 'ass'."
3a) The other day when I dropped by my one friend from high school's house, I let a really loud fart rip right before going in the door with her. "That was juicy," she was like, "Now go wipe it off your ass!"
3b) Later that same other day, I brought up how I always thought it was funny that those Doritos with olestra had warnings saying they could cause 'anal leakage', and my friend was like, "I've always like in commercials where they say as a side effect you can get 'gas with leaky discharge'."
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Poster / Joke.
A couple days ago I went to the post office in the small town just south of my parents' house. The postmaster had hung up this picture of an eagle's head from the side, and the eagle had a giant tear rolling out of its eye, and if you looked in the background in the corner of the pictures, there was a picture of the Twin Towers going up in smoke.
The other day I told my friend my favorite joke I got from Sarah Silverman, "I once gave a blowjob to a Mexican and never again, I got diarrhea for a week," and right away she was like, "Or, you could say, 'I once ate out this Chinese chick, and an hour later, wouldn't you know, I was hungry again.'"
The other day I told my friend my favorite joke I got from Sarah Silverman, "I once gave a blowjob to a Mexican and never again, I got diarrhea for a week," and right away she was like, "Or, you could say, 'I once ate out this Chinese chick, and an hour later, wouldn't you know, I was hungry again.'"
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