My one (Dutch) friend on Hebrew.

My one (Dutch) friend has an Israeli wife who he makes horribly incorrect jokes with, so when I was studying for my Hebrew exam, I texted him that I not only resented his wife for killing Christ, but also for the difficult language of her ancestors.

He texted back -

This is the trick that they don't tell the gentiles. Read it from the right to the left.

. . .

(black) postman.

The other Saturday afternoon I was coming through the foyer in my apartment building and there was a (black) postman putting mail in the boxes.

He asked me how I was, and I said great, since I had been out till late the night before and had just gotten up like an hour or two before.

"That's nice," he was like. "Sometimes you need that."

Then he said that he would love to go out and party, it had been 3 or 4 months, but he was saving money for his daughter's wedding.

"But if you go to the right places," I was like, "You can drink cheap and get fucked up for less than $20."

"Hell," he was like, "I'd take that!"

2 more (black) folk on the subway.

1) Going home the other week this old (black) man in jogging pants gets on, and out of nowhere he turns to me from across the aisle in the half-empty car and is like, "Your ears are dirty."

"What?", I was like.

"Your ears are dirty," he said. "There's a lot of wax in the back, they're brown."

Then, after a pause, he was like, "I'm not trying to insult you, I'm trying to help you."

I thanked him, and after 3 or 4 minutes, to no-one in particular, he shouted out,

"JOE BIDEN IS A [garbled]-ASS N-GG-R FROM ANDOVER DELAWARE!"

2) A few days after that, going in to school at like 8:30am, a middle-aged black guy was clipping his nails on the half-empty train.

Addendum.

I forgot -

The entire time I was getting a drink with the South African, his cell phone kept going off... It was a new phone and he had bought out the contract and # of some black woman, and he keeps getting at least 5 calls a day, including from her mother.

The one text that was confusing he said was about a birthday party for some "dead twins"...

He had gotten 2 texts in a row, one about a birthday party for the twins and stopping by for a cooler for ice, and then the next one was like -

The ones that their Dad got killed -

Which he had interpreted to mean that the twins were dead (and not the twinses' dad).

Food technologist!

The other day I had a drink with a South African who works on my campus, and it turns out that his mother is a food technologist!

Basically, she has this lab and can whip up any candy on contract.

For example, she made three different types of Kit Kat (including a Black Forest cake one) when the company commissioned her, and she brought home samples to try.

She also made this drink that replicates the taste of the South African hairy peach, which feels all dry when you bite it from its long hairs but then is all juicy from the peach flesh; the drink makes your mouth dry first, and then the peach flavor hits you.

Standardized tests.

My 16/17-year-old homeschooler when I was going through a practice Latin SAT II exam with her and none of the answers seemed right:

"Don't overthink it, you get into trouble if you do that. These tests don't want you to think too much."

She then told me about a friend of hers who got a 4 instead of a 5 on an AP Chem exam because he overthought a couple crucial questions and none of the answers seemed right (and they technically weren't).

3 (black) people (3 of 3): Breakfast.

That same train ride, there was a young (black) kid like 6 or 7 years old with has dad...

It was 7:30am, and he had a little bag of Cheetos (sp.?) open that he was eating.