My last day of teaching, for the indefinite future.

So, the other week was my last day of teaching for the foreseeable future.

I had lined up seminars back-to-back for nine hours straights since I had wanted to minimize commutes and I have to hold down other jobs, but unlike the other few times that term where I did that, this day I woke up sick.

So, all day I had a headache and a mild sore throat, and I was just out-of-it.

When I was going over paper outlines that students brought to class and I had to quickly analyze spontaneously, I tried like usual to think through what would be the most helpful overall process point to point out for long-term student learning, but often I just found myself staring at the student drafts and drawing a blank.

So, I just said a few things that popped into my head, while thinking to myself, "That's good enough."

At times, I almost felt like the malfeasant tenured faculty who had been on my committee, just shooting from the hip and acting authoritative, and I realized how easy it is to fall into that pattern.

I actually did feel a bit like a fake, though I also didn't care all that much, since it's not like I'm getting a living wage or am even in a career path through this job, so why should I care all that much; I'm there, I said something, it's good enough, if they want me to be conscientious, give me some respect and basic job stability and a modest income, it's not all that much.

Overall, it was just *sad*.  Not at all what I signed up for, when I thought I was signing up to be an educator.

Everyone does get sick and instructors do have bad days, but this was just something else, and it was just a big let-down, a sad and quiet goodbye to over a decade of my life that I'm not all that sorry to see pass.

I'm a good teacher, too. 

But, that just doesn't matter.

It's like I've said to my mother and to various friends, "F*ck this nonsense, I have better sh*t to do with my time."

Honestly.

As I've also said, it's only sad when you think of how it might be, not in terms of how the actual job is, since it's complete and utter bullshit.