No closure with my Ph.D.

I really don't have closure with my Ph.D.

I only realized this a few weeks ago, when I was catching up with a woman who I did my Masters with and is now a tenure-track prof at an R1.

She brought a friend along, and we all talked subject matter etc., and I caught up with her about how fucked up my committee was, and my program in general.

I hadn't really talked subject material like that in a while, and it was so enjoyable.

It was almost too a "I could have maybe had it" moment with teaching and moving in those circles, but then again, it's simply not worth the time and chaos and risk for years, and a lot of teaching situations are just shittier and shittier, so it's not like I was missing something real, but rather wanting a situation that really doesn't exist.

In reality, she also encouraged me several years ago just to stay in the city and do something else, since I have other stuff going and it's really not worth it to pursue the "good" academic jobs; that was actually some of the most helpful advice I received, and it's very true, and jibes with what other young R1 profs have been saying lately.

On another note, I also realized that I still regret having no control and being so horrendously mistreated by all 4 faculty in my area, to an insane and egregious degree.

I switched committees and got out, but I never got a chance to tell them straight-up what their behavior was like, since I had to be so tentative and deferential in order to get my degree.

At some point soon, I want to state that, and let them know that their behavior fell below basic accreditational standards.

Hopefully I'll do that this spring, flip power dynamic and regain control, and leave the situation permanently in the past.