Swingers at my sex class.

So – and I should have blogged about this damn near half a year ago, but I just didn’t have the stamina to, though I had jotted down notes afterward on a stray piece of paper post-class when I was at a (new) bar trying to wind down from performing for 3 hours – the one swinger couple that I met at the sex film series ended up being surprise guests for the last hour of my class devoted to swinging.

In no particular order –

1) They have a close circle of about 50 friends, and once even went poly with another couple, though they broke it off after a couple years since it got too deep – between the male swinger guy and the other male swinger!  It had been the guyses' idea for the poly relationship, too.

2) Right now there’s a renaissance of swinging among hipsters, who tend to be less homophobic then older swingers, though oddly the bro-and-sorority set never get into swinging, just the hipsters.

(“The men fuck each other’s ear hoops,” I wanted to say, but I restrained myself since I was teaching, I have to do that in front of the kids, otherwise things would completely devolve.)

“But you really can’t be too homophobic with some of the things we try,” the lady swinger said, and then was like, nervously, “Can I tell them about that time?”, which she asked several times (as kind of a permission submissive thing?) to her partner before he finally laughed and was like, “Okay.”

Then, she started talking about how they had been doing double penetrations with a male friend from a couple they had played with, and after doing DPs for a while, they decided to try a DVP –

(“V?”, I mouthed quizzically to no-one in particular, and a student of mine who must have seen me be confused said distinctly, “Vaginal”) –

and for the DVP, they had a hard time "mechanically" with getting both cocks in, and then their friend had the idea of trying to get them both into one condom, and then trying.

“So we got together and put a condom on together,” the guy swinger was like, laughing and half blushing.

3) As they put it, BDSM think swingers are “sleazy”, while swingers think BDSM people are “mentally ill”, as the lady swinger clearly enunciated, with wide eyes and a nod; “We think they’re mentally ill!”, she was like.

4) That said, the swinger couple had tried BDSM parties, but they stopped because they were bored... 

They also said people they knew who also had attended parties got very turned off by BDSM culture, since no didn’t always mean no like in swinging culture, and when the submissive person said “no”, it was shocking how the top didn’t stop sometimes, but kept trying to push them until their limit was reached and there was a real “no” no, in the top’s judgment.

That said, at some swinger parties some guys invite platonic female friends or even hire a woman to go with them, and those women are known as “tickets” since they only are there to get the guys in to the party.  Those guys are just known as trouble, since they go around and come on too strongly and even join in orgies when they aren’t invited, and one time a woman got raped somehow since she was blindfolded on a bed and somehow thought someone else would do her and it turned out to be a guy who came to the party with a ticket who had left him and somehow he substituted himself for the guy who the woman thought was doing her...

“It was awful,” the lady swinger was like, acknowledging rape at a party that they had been at.

5) When discussing meeting people online, the female swinger noted the tendency of men to post cock pics, “because that’s who a guy is,” she cracked.

6) They usually have sex apart like maybe once every 3-4 weeks, though sometimes as long as 3 months go by without their having done it.

At first they would only have sex with other people when they were in the same room together, and then they used to always go out to bars together and vet each other’s partners, but recently they started going separately, since the swinger lady says a lot of time her partner gets a lot of interest and is known to be “hot stuff” on the scene but she’s the “old lady” and has self esteem issues, so it’s just better all around if she’s not there.

When they did go out together, though, his signal to nix something was turning over the bottle cap on the bar like he was fidgeting, and hers was to take off her bracelet and drop it a bit on the bar like she was fidgeting.

One time, some woman from a couple was talking with the guy swinger and made some asshole-ish comment about her right there, so the lady swinger took off her bracelet and dropped it like six inches so it made a loudish cling.

“Was that a signal that you don’t want us?”, the other lady asked.

“Yes,” the swinger lady said she said.

She also said that it’s absolutely astonishing how many women come onto a guy by insulting his partner in front of him.

“What’s up with that?’, she was like.  “Uh, I’ve known him for longer, if you want to get in his pants, do you really think that’s gonna fly?”.

7)  The swinger couple met on MySpace.

“We’re embarrassed to say that now,” the lady swinger was like.

8)  At one point, the lady swinger kept swearing that female ejaculation really does exist, and there was something about blue mats, but I can’t read my notes or remember what memory the phrase “blue mats’ was supposed to jog...

9) They said they teach at sex conferences in order to travel, since they’re not as well-off as other swinger couples, and the honorarium they get helps them afford the junkets.

10) For a while, they helped out for fun for “sex tours” arranged by a local for-profit tourist org.

The host was a local guy from the kink scene who’s a friend of theirs, and he’d load the bus up with grannies and grampas from around the Midwest, and then he would take them to a dungeon he’s a member of during off-hours, at which time he’d arranged for the swingers to be there.

“Shhh,” he’d tell the tourists, as he herded them through a side door, “If you’re quiet, we just might see something....”

Then, as they gathered at the one end, across the dimly-lit dungeon would be the swinger couple naked in the one lit area, her tied up to a sawhorse, and the guy swinger with a Darth Vader mask on pumping her from behind like he was fucking her up the ass.

Then, after just a bit of time had passed, he would start pumping a lot quicker, and then give a loud audible “Bunh!”, and kind of lean forward and rest on the lady swinger’s back like he had just blown his load.

11) From a doctor friend of theirs in Miami they learned about some anesthesia that gives guys raging hard-ons if you inject it half way up your cock – there’s a lot of doctors in the lifestyle, they said – but they managed to get a steady supply from a non-scene doctor friend of theirs once they were back home, and for a while the swinger guy was the talk of every orgy.

”But you know [the first name of the swinger lady],” the guy swinger was like.  “She can’t keep her mouth shut.”

As the swinger lady then added, every man was talking, and would keep asking “How is he that hard?” and saying “I want to know”, and there was a lot of pressure.

So, even though he was “something special” with it, she started talking, and next thing you know, everyone in town was using it, and a couple of friends of theirs even went to the ER since they had had their erections for too long.

“It’s like those commercials!”, the swinger lady was like, and began intoning, “’Adverse side effects may include an erection that lasts longer than nine hours...’”

Once, too, she showed up to give a demonstration at a blowjob class, and their one friend “who you could hang a beachtowel off of” arrived injected, with his cock sticking up from his pants behind his belt and up his shirt past the belly button.

“It was awful!”, the swinger lady was like.  “Half of it is how you get and keep someone hard.”

11)  Since they’re pretty public swingers, even at work, that can cause problems.

One of their swinger friends from a ritzier suburb was showing a friend of hers some picture to show her her new dress, and in that picture she and her husband happened to be with the swinger couple.

That friend of theirs – who worked with the lady swinger – was like, “Oh, you guys know [the guy swinger’s first name] and [the lady swinger’s first name]?" - and then, quickly and suspiciously, as the lady swinger told it - "Are you swingers...?”.

“Uh, no,” their friend lied.

“That was a tough one,” the lady swinger was like.   “Our being out really put her on the spot.”

. . .

The second-to-final day, when I had the kids give improvement suggestions and we talked over them together, one said the special guests were the best part of the class, and practically everyone nodded in assent.