A big life decision -- further "checking out," professionally, and from thinking about the future.

A few months ago I was thinking more and more that I should just stop looking at LinkedIn and actively keeping my ear to the ground about the health of different sectors, like actively asking around with people I know or with people I meet, how things are going in their sectors and what they're seeing, etc.

Like, I've been doing that for 15 years, and it's produced no career trajectory for me, and the information has been useful but it's also increasingly showing wage compression and wage growth from the bottom, with no solution in sight, so, like, why pay attention anymore, what else will that be able to tell me, and it just makes me focus on how I've had like 15 years of bad luck with me being misaligned with opportunities and careers as sectors etc. have unexpectedly shifted and radically declined, to the point where the overall economy and my overall chances are both worse than before the pandemic (apart from my being comfortable in a so-called 'low-end job,' which has an hourly pay level that increasingly looks like that of so many so-called 'professional' jobs).

And, just like my life, I don't say I'm "dropping out," I say I'm "checking out," a distinction that people like my one (white) colleague from (Mississippi) likes, since, as he says, if you're "checking out," you can always "check right back in," should something arise.

And, alongside this, I was thinking more and more that apart from professionalization efforts that don't take much time and money, like quickie trainings that fall in my lap or whatnot, I just stop thinking about the future beyond a horizon of like 1-2 years, since it's even further beyond my ability to meaningfully plan for, anymore.

So, I surveyed different people I know whose perspectives I value, and absolutely no-one advocated for me to continue to keep doing what I've been doing, with proactively monitoring and thinking ahead so much.

And, the only three people to give me lengthy feedback, all said to just stop and let go.

The one (lesbian) sister of my one (former) (assisted living) client with (disabilities) said it's important to monitor sources of negative energy in your life.

And, my one (chubby) (Thai) coworker said it's important to keep away from things that make you unhappy, and it makes a person happier to not overly plan or think about the future.

And, my one (art school) colleague who wears (women's) clothes, besides saying that my one (Thai) coworker's advice is kind of (Buddhist), said that it's like Alice in Wonderland, sometimes the only way out is to go in deeper.

So, I think I'm doing it. No more LinkedIn, and no more planning for the future besides knowing that I'll probably be where I am for a year or two more, at least.

Somehow this feels like a huge thing, like my giving up somehow. I don't know why.

Somehow it's like an admission of defeat.