...from Irene Vilar's "Impossible Motherhood: Testimony of an Abortion Addict" (p. 18):
Blanquita [my father's live-in lover] said it was dangerous for me to be exposed to [my brother] Miguel[, who was into drugs and ran away, but would periodically show up at the house, unexpectedly]. Every day after school I would go into my brother's room and look at his things. I missed him. I would sit on the bathroom floor smelling the half-smoked joints and tiny roaches piled up in a Coca Cola ashtray by the tub. I would sing the Christmas carols I'd memorized from a booklet he gave me. Between songs, I would stuff my mouth with toilet paper, a habit that would last until I left home for boarding school a few months short of my tenth birthday.
. . .
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Another excerpt...
...from Irene Vilar's "Impossible Motherhood: Testimony of an Abortion Addict" (p. 15):
My mother's absence [after her suicide when I was eight years old] made little difference to the house, except that she herself was no longer in it. I often roamed the quiet rooms with a blinding, almost obsessive desire for constant action: sleep-overs with my cousins, hunting for seashells, best grades in the classroom, collecting comic books, memorizing Christmas carols, flamenco dancing, masturbating, anything that kept me from feeling a thing.
(She's Puerto Rican, by the way.)
My mother's absence [after her suicide when I was eight years old] made little difference to the house, except that she herself was no longer in it. I often roamed the quiet rooms with a blinding, almost obsessive desire for constant action: sleep-overs with my cousins, hunting for seashells, best grades in the classroom, collecting comic books, memorizing Christmas carols, flamenco dancing, masturbating, anything that kept me from feeling a thing.
(She's Puerto Rican, by the way.)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Excerpt from Memoirs of an Abortion Addict.
From Irene Vilar's "Impossible Motherhood: Testimony of an Abortion Addict", as featured in the Washington Post -- the first paragraph of the book (p. 1) --
My life could be summed up by the extreme human experience of abortion. For years, reading or hearing about an abortion turned the words into a maelstrom of emotions. Every time I came upon the song by America "A Horse with No Name" or the book 'The Lust of the Just', which accompanied me during a shameful decade of my life, I was deeply upset.
I couldn't find a link for that book she read, which makes me want to read it even more
My life could be summed up by the extreme human experience of abortion. For years, reading or hearing about an abortion turned the words into a maelstrom of emotions. Every time I came upon the song by America "A Horse with No Name" or the book 'The Lust of the Just', which accompanied me during a shameful decade of my life, I was deeply upset.
I couldn't find a link for that book she read, which makes me want to read it even more
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Black neighborhood bar visit.
So, the other day, after being at the student bar, which was pleasantly packed, I headed over to the black neighborhood bar to have a drink with my one (white) friend who hangs out there, only the place was dead when I got there.
"What's up with that?", when I asked the (black) bartender who usually works nights ("Ray").
"We waiting for you to come start the party," he was like.
Later, after my friend got there and we were talking -- before she got there, I got out and was reading a book I had checked out of the library on historical methodology -- I was telling her about krunk karaoke, and how me and the people I went with were the only non-(black) people in the entire place.
"Oh, like that never happens to us!", she was like.
Even later, after the pizza place next door closed down, this younger Mexican guy slunk in with a carry-out box and gave it to Ray. It was the leftover pizza, and there was like six slices in there, and since there were like six people in the bar, he let everyone have one -- I got pepperoni (sp.?), and my friend got sausage.
"What's up with that?", when I asked the (black) bartender who usually works nights ("Ray").
"We waiting for you to come start the party," he was like.
Later, after my friend got there and we were talking -- before she got there, I got out and was reading a book I had checked out of the library on historical methodology -- I was telling her about krunk karaoke, and how me and the people I went with were the only non-(black) people in the entire place.
"Oh, like that never happens to us!", she was like.
Even later, after the pizza place next door closed down, this younger Mexican guy slunk in with a carry-out box and gave it to Ray. It was the leftover pizza, and there was like six slices in there, and since there were like six people in the bar, he let everyone have one -- I got pepperoni (sp.?), and my friend got sausage.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Addendum.
When I was singing Taste of Honey's "Boogie Oogie Oogie" at krunk karaoke, Lady Red pulled out a tambourine from somewhere and did this really bad-ass rhythm on it to accompany me during part of the song.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Krunk karaoke (II of II): Again.
So, since exams and classes and shit are done, me and my one (white) friend from Mississippi who I got hooked on karaoke went back to krunk karaoke again.
This time, he said he was looking at the hostess's facebook page, and under the pictures of the time his one (white) student sang Prince's "Let's Go Crazy", there were like 5 comments, including -
Who was that white guy? He could sing!
- or something to that effect.
When I got there, an early 40s (black) guy from the bar was opening the door for a lady walking in right in front of me, and I saw it was Lady Red, so when the guy kept the door open for me and was like, "How you doing?", I was like, "Good, you know, just doing that 'walk three steps behind royalty' thing," and he laughed and was like, "I hear you, I hear you!"
The bar was incredibly, incredibly packed with (black) people, as well as one midde-aged (white) guy who left soon after we got there, so we ended up standing up against a wall near this mid- to late-20s (black) couple ("Tanya" and "Dre"), who were saying that they love karaoke, esp. her, and she sings, but he doesn't, though he promised he'd try before the wedding, and they were thinking of getting it at their reception, and if they do, he's going to persuade the groomsmen to do it.
She had a ring on too and she kept moving it around on her finger, and they said the wedding would be more than a year out, so they looked recently engaged... She was very nice and asking me and my friend if we were going to sing and if so what, and then when I said yes but I didn't know yet, she was like, "What's your range?", and I was like, "I have one, I think, but I try to not let it hold me back," which she laughed at.
Other then them, there was this group of self-important very young 20s (black) women with 2 (black) (gay) guys around their same age, and then over on one side of the room there was six tables pushed together and someone was having a 25th birthday party, since there were big balloons floating up, a "2" and a "5", and they were tied to the chair of a 20-something (black) woman, who was there with like 6-8 of her women friends, and 2 (black) guys.
Sometimes, the birthday women would dance in their chairs to the music, and that was just the music from the loudspeakers.
Anyhow, my one friend from Mississippi had decided before he showed up not even to sing, since his repertoire doesn't match the crowd, and "anything else from the book I can sing they know better than I do, and can sing better than I can, too".
But, he likes the talent and the atmosphere and thinks Lady Red is hot, so he came.
Anyhow, when karaoke started up, Lady Red set out her ground rules:
You have to clap, either because you like the song or you're glad the singer is done, but you clap no matter what, there's no booing or anything like that when she runs the show.
Then, she gave a shout-out to a table of 5 younger (black) women in the back who were her friends visiting from Atlanta, and did some really bad-ass rap / hip-hop song about how they party in Chicago till 8 in the morning to welcome them back to town, and to kick off the night.
Then, some older (black) guy got up and sang some song that got the 5 women from Atlanta doing like this line-dancing on the floor in front of him, only it was some kind of (black) line-dancing, and so much more bad-ass than the (white) country line-dancing you see on tv.
In terms of singing, some people were good, like this one younger (fatter) black girl who sang the Whitney Houston version of "I Will Always Love You", while some weren't, like this middle-aged (black) woman with dreads who tried to sing Tina Turner's "Proud Mary"...
That was a revelation for me, that some (black) people just sing o.k.
Also, for whatever reason, one of the young (black) girls who was there with the bunch of gay guys would say the name of some website before and after each time she sang a song, and the second time she did this, after she finished her second song, Lady Red took her mike and was like, "You know what you can do with that plug?, you can plug it right here," and she lifted up her leg and pointed to her asshole.
Anyhow, I put in to sing Taste of Honey's "Boogie Oogie Oogie", and as soon as I did that, I had this awful sense of dread that the song wouldn't be recent enough, though I had no doubts it was (black)er than a lot of the stuff I sing (even the 60s [black] stuff, that doesn't have enough edge).
Anyhow, they eventually called me up, and I did manage to sing it... As soon as the song began and the bassline broke in, the (black) women from the birthday party were up in their seats dancing, and some (black) people came forward to dance too, and some (black) women at the bar held their arms up and swayed side to side...
I guess what I learned from the song is that you have to have authority to sing it, esp the first verse -
If you're thinkin' you're too cool to boogie
Boy oh boy have I got news for you
Everybody here tonight must boogie
Let me tell ya' you are no exception to the rule
- since it's kind of a no-nonsense telling-it-like-it-is smack-down to people who are too good for disco.
Also, you have to know what the fuck you're doing when you get done explaining those consequences and break into the chorus -
So get on up on the floor
Cuz we're gonna boogie oogie oogie
Till you just can't boogie no more
- because the voice leads, and then the accompaniment follows, when the chorus starts off.
The ending is nice with the "get down/ boogie oogie oogie" parts, but unfortunately the very last words are saying "boogie" in a really high voice after a bass bit, and that sucks.
Also also, I realized that it must have been bad-ass for the one bass-playing woman from Taste of Honey to say "listen to my bass" now to end the 2nd repetition of the chorus, and slide into some bass-playing. It made me realize why my one dean idolized them in her youth.
Anyhow, after I was done, I got mild applause, and Lady Red reminded everyone of her clapping rule.
(To be fair, it was no worse and no better than some of the people got who followed or preceded me, but I think she was trying to be welcoming to me and my (white) friends... She made sure to take a picture of all of us for our website, just like she was doing for (black) people, and when I went to say good night when I was leaving - something I always do with karaoke hosts - she was like, "I hope you had fun!", really nicely.)
When I went to sit down near my friend from Mississippi, we were sharing our table with two (black) girls, and he was like, "Good job on the song," and when I said that I didn't think I did that good a job, it was a little too high for me, he was like, "No, you nailed it," and then he turned to the (black) girls and was like, "Don't you think he nailed that song?", and the one was like, affably, "Yes, he nailed it," and my friend was like, "That's right, he nailed," and she laughed and was like, "To the cross."
Also, when I was leaving, a (black) girl up at the bar that one of the people I came with was flirting with told me I did a good job and she liked the song when I came up to them to say goodbye, and when I was leaving, some random young (black) guy was like, "Good job", as I passed him in the doorway, and when I was like, "Thanks, but where were you?, I didn't see you up there!", he was like, "Oh no, brother, I was leaving all of that shine for you."
Also also, as I was leaving, there were like three jack ass-y younger (black) guys who had left ahead of me, and they were being dicks a little bit, I think, and were like, "Good job!, you rocked it up there," and since I knew I didn't, I tried to neutralize their dickishness by being like, "Thanks, I like the song and I did my best." That made them a little ashamed, I could see from their faces, and they were like, "Good job anyhow, Shimmy Dave," referring to, I think, the way I shimmied when I sang the song.
This time, he said he was looking at the hostess's facebook page, and under the pictures of the time his one (white) student sang Prince's "Let's Go Crazy", there were like 5 comments, including -
Who was that white guy? He could sing!
- or something to that effect.
When I got there, an early 40s (black) guy from the bar was opening the door for a lady walking in right in front of me, and I saw it was Lady Red, so when the guy kept the door open for me and was like, "How you doing?", I was like, "Good, you know, just doing that 'walk three steps behind royalty' thing," and he laughed and was like, "I hear you, I hear you!"
The bar was incredibly, incredibly packed with (black) people, as well as one midde-aged (white) guy who left soon after we got there, so we ended up standing up against a wall near this mid- to late-20s (black) couple ("Tanya" and "Dre"), who were saying that they love karaoke, esp. her, and she sings, but he doesn't, though he promised he'd try before the wedding, and they were thinking of getting it at their reception, and if they do, he's going to persuade the groomsmen to do it.
She had a ring on too and she kept moving it around on her finger, and they said the wedding would be more than a year out, so they looked recently engaged... She was very nice and asking me and my friend if we were going to sing and if so what, and then when I said yes but I didn't know yet, she was like, "What's your range?", and I was like, "I have one, I think, but I try to not let it hold me back," which she laughed at.
Other then them, there was this group of self-important very young 20s (black) women with 2 (black) (gay) guys around their same age, and then over on one side of the room there was six tables pushed together and someone was having a 25th birthday party, since there were big balloons floating up, a "2" and a "5", and they were tied to the chair of a 20-something (black) woman, who was there with like 6-8 of her women friends, and 2 (black) guys.
Sometimes, the birthday women would dance in their chairs to the music, and that was just the music from the loudspeakers.
Anyhow, my one friend from Mississippi had decided before he showed up not even to sing, since his repertoire doesn't match the crowd, and "anything else from the book I can sing they know better than I do, and can sing better than I can, too".
But, he likes the talent and the atmosphere and thinks Lady Red is hot, so he came.
Anyhow, when karaoke started up, Lady Red set out her ground rules:
You have to clap, either because you like the song or you're glad the singer is done, but you clap no matter what, there's no booing or anything like that when she runs the show.
Then, she gave a shout-out to a table of 5 younger (black) women in the back who were her friends visiting from Atlanta, and did some really bad-ass rap / hip-hop song about how they party in Chicago till 8 in the morning to welcome them back to town, and to kick off the night.
Then, some older (black) guy got up and sang some song that got the 5 women from Atlanta doing like this line-dancing on the floor in front of him, only it was some kind of (black) line-dancing, and so much more bad-ass than the (white) country line-dancing you see on tv.
In terms of singing, some people were good, like this one younger (fatter) black girl who sang the Whitney Houston version of "I Will Always Love You", while some weren't, like this middle-aged (black) woman with dreads who tried to sing Tina Turner's "Proud Mary"...
That was a revelation for me, that some (black) people just sing o.k.
Also, for whatever reason, one of the young (black) girls who was there with the bunch of gay guys would say the name of some website before and after each time she sang a song, and the second time she did this, after she finished her second song, Lady Red took her mike and was like, "You know what you can do with that plug?, you can plug it right here," and she lifted up her leg and pointed to her asshole.
Anyhow, I put in to sing Taste of Honey's "Boogie Oogie Oogie", and as soon as I did that, I had this awful sense of dread that the song wouldn't be recent enough, though I had no doubts it was (black)er than a lot of the stuff I sing (even the 60s [black] stuff, that doesn't have enough edge).
Anyhow, they eventually called me up, and I did manage to sing it... As soon as the song began and the bassline broke in, the (black) women from the birthday party were up in their seats dancing, and some (black) people came forward to dance too, and some (black) women at the bar held their arms up and swayed side to side...
I guess what I learned from the song is that you have to have authority to sing it, esp the first verse -
If you're thinkin' you're too cool to boogie
Boy oh boy have I got news for you
Everybody here tonight must boogie
Let me tell ya' you are no exception to the rule
- since it's kind of a no-nonsense telling-it-like-it-is smack-down to people who are too good for disco.
Also, you have to know what the fuck you're doing when you get done explaining those consequences and break into the chorus -
So get on up on the floor
Cuz we're gonna boogie oogie oogie
Till you just can't boogie no more
- because the voice leads, and then the accompaniment follows, when the chorus starts off.
The ending is nice with the "get down/ boogie oogie oogie" parts, but unfortunately the very last words are saying "boogie" in a really high voice after a bass bit, and that sucks.
Also also, I realized that it must have been bad-ass for the one bass-playing woman from Taste of Honey to say "listen to my bass" now to end the 2nd repetition of the chorus, and slide into some bass-playing. It made me realize why my one dean idolized them in her youth.
Anyhow, after I was done, I got mild applause, and Lady Red reminded everyone of her clapping rule.
(To be fair, it was no worse and no better than some of the people got who followed or preceded me, but I think she was trying to be welcoming to me and my (white) friends... She made sure to take a picture of all of us for our website, just like she was doing for (black) people, and when I went to say good night when I was leaving - something I always do with karaoke hosts - she was like, "I hope you had fun!", really nicely.)
When I went to sit down near my friend from Mississippi, we were sharing our table with two (black) girls, and he was like, "Good job on the song," and when I said that I didn't think I did that good a job, it was a little too high for me, he was like, "No, you nailed it," and then he turned to the (black) girls and was like, "Don't you think he nailed that song?", and the one was like, affably, "Yes, he nailed it," and my friend was like, "That's right, he nailed," and she laughed and was like, "To the cross."
Also, when I was leaving, a (black) girl up at the bar that one of the people I came with was flirting with told me I did a good job and she liked the song when I came up to them to say goodbye, and when I was leaving, some random young (black) guy was like, "Good job", as I passed him in the doorway, and when I was like, "Thanks, but where were you?, I didn't see you up there!", he was like, "Oh no, brother, I was leaving all of that shine for you."
Also also, as I was leaving, there were like three jack ass-y younger (black) guys who had left ahead of me, and they were being dicks a little bit, I think, and were like, "Good job!, you rocked it up there," and since I knew I didn't, I tried to neutralize their dickishness by being like, "Thanks, I like the song and I did my best." That made them a little ashamed, I could see from their faces, and they were like, "Good job anyhow, Shimmy Dave," referring to, I think, the way I shimmied when I sang the song.
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