Alpenfest Grand Parade -- saw it at my friend's parents' house.

Today I watched the Alpenfest Grand Parade from the lawn of my one friend's parents' house. The theme of Alpenfest this year is "Heaven in 2007", so there were a lot of heaven-themed floats. We ate taco dips and chips and had daiquaris (sp.?) and sat on the curb or in lawnchairs. My one friend's aunts were there, too, and were shouting at the floats, which was a blast. The highlights, in no particular order:

1) As the Trout Festival float passed by, my one's friend one aunt was like, "Smells like fish." Not only was the Trout Queen on there, but so was the Little Mr. and Mrs. Trout, who were like five or six years old.

2) As the Animal Shelter float passed by, my one's friend one aunt was like, "Throw us some animals!"

3) As the bagpipers go by to begin the parade -- my one friend's parents' house is at the very beginning of the parade route -- my one friend's one aunt was like, "Time for that old question, what's under the kilts?"

4) As the Truck of Honor passed by, which had murals depicting the Twin Towers and the Flight 93 Memorial and some sort of panel saluting soldiers in Iraq on the back doors, my one friend's brother got up to run after it and smash a beer bottle on its side once he realized that George Bush's face was looking down from the clouds onto Ground Zero.

5) This one Child Evangelism group had a miniature truck pulling like six or seven cars in a row that were made out of oil barrels -- each was on its side and painted a bright color and had a seat put in it where a kid could sit, and each had a hinge on front that would allow side to side motion so the miniature truck could pull the cars behind it in a wavy pattern -- and there was like six or seven beautiful smiling children there, each about anywhere from four to six years old, one in each car, only the one in the last car was African-American. My one friend's other aunt was like, "Why does the black kid always have to ride in back?" She shouted loud, too.

6) My one friend's one aunt lost a lot of her eyesight years ago in a tragic tanning accident, so she couldn't see the floats too good, and when this one guy was walking past in leiderhosen waving at everyone, she turns to me and is like, "Who is that?" I told her that I couldn't remember his name, but that he was the one guy who used to be really involved in United Way and was picked up by the police years ago for picking up a transsexual hooker down in Detroit somewhere, and she was like, "Oh yeah, him," and corrected me that it was Flint, not Detroit, and that he got picked up not for picking up the hooker, but because he either got beat up or ripped off by the hooker and somehow the police got involved. There was this older woman in blumenkrantz and a dirndl walking by him, too, so I was like, "Man, she has big hands," and my one friend's one aunt was like, "Yeah, and look at that Adam's apple."

7) There was this other semi truck in the parade that was used for evangelism and painted up with tons of slogans and cartoon characters on it. On the side towards we were sitting, you could see a dancing Snoopy outside his doghouse under the words "Dog gone wild for Christ", only his doghouse was like a little church and said "Snoopy's Chapel" on it. The trucker was big and had tattoos, but he waved from the window at everyone and had a peaceful smile.

8) There was this big group of older women in full-body cow suits who had tinsel halos and angel wings on, and they were walking behind a banner that said "Heavenly Herd" or something like that. I shouted out to ask them who they were, and one was like, "The Heavenly Herd!" I still don't get it. But, my one friend's one aunt was like, "They should put some tassels on that udder and put on a show. You could get eight going at one time."

9) This one float that a golf course put out was called "Fairway to Heaven", and they had some golfers standing on there and waving. My one's friend one aunt was like, "Show us your balls!"

10) They had a bunch of 10-year olds in swim trunks and t-shirts walking behind a banner from the local Sportsplex and holding a bunch of foam swimming toys, and my one friend's one aunt was like, "Show us your noodle!"

11) The local Elks lodge had their usual float, a giant elk's head that has flashing red eyes and smoke coming out its mouth, only they put wings on it, and they had a guy sitting behind it pulling ropes to flap it. There were a few seats behind it too, so there were these girls sitting there waving and wearing angel's wings, only in front of them was a big trellis that had a handwritten marker sign on it that said, "Heaven's Gate". Some guys in leiderhosen were walking alongside the float, and they all had t-shirts on that said, "Wo sind die Elkburger?" I guess the Elks lodge here serves Elk burgers now.