"Salvage."

The past year or so, the word "salvage" has become pretty important to me, and I find myself using it a lot.

Like, "What can I salvage of my life, at this point?"

It's like recognition that it's too late to start again in so many areas, both because you can't rewind history with hindsight and choose paths that had better chances of panning out, and because many sectors aren't the same, where maybe you could have hung on if you had started earlier, but you would be insane to wholeheartedly throw yourself at them now, because even apart from your being older, they've worsened so much, it's not like anyone would have the same chances and traction if they started now, versus them starting in the conditions of those sectors at a point like ten or twenty years back.

In some ways, it's like a mid-life crisis, but in other ways it's not, because it's like your life just never began.

I've also found myself thinking a lot about death, lately...  You just never know when your time is up, and I just wasted so much time over the past 20 years, going in seemingly promising but hugely time-consuming directions that proved ultimately fruitless.

I mean, pollyannas could point to this or that thing, or a feel-good life lesson like it made you who you are, but most of them have just never experienced that type of massive career displacement and sector-shifts, and it just rings hollow.

It's also interesting to think of my living conditions, like this quote in a newspaper article about economic differences over generations sent to me by my one (half British) (half Sudanese) friend (the brother of the brother-sister pair). 

I can't remember the details, but some seeming professional was like, "Look at my apartment, I'm living the same way that I did ten years ago."

That's my case, too, even though my economic situation was made easier by moving -- I'm still renting, no job that allows for huge huge savings, no big yearly vacation like some people...  Just a tiny apartment, some savings and fun here and there, but it's just like the same me, from ten or twenty years ago.

It's like I've never grown up.